Holy shit top surgery is so soon. I’m no longer having a hard time feeling like it’s real. Now I’m focusing on calming my fears. My best friend Beau reminded me if my nipples are placed too small or too big I can have them tattooed bigger or rounder or smaller or even pigmentation. That made me feel better about nipple placement. My nipples are the right size for me now in my opinion so I’m worried they’ll be cut smaller. They’re the exact size of a quarter – dude-nipples already lol. I’ll tell my surgeon in our prep appointment my opinions when he starts marking up on me. I’ve done my research on this surgeon though and I liked his results so much.
The only part that I’m finding sad is that I’m giving up the feeling and having numbness in the area around my pec and my nipples. Many people don’t have a sensation at all afterward. And if it does, it takes many years for the nerves to reconnect. At least that’s what I heard on the street (internet streets). Some do though! We’ll have to see. I’ma try and manifest more positivity and less worst-case scenario. But also preparing myself for imperfect results. Hoping to be pleasantly surprised! Even though that’s my nature. I’m also a stomach sleeper so I’m curious about how my chest is going to feel flat after I’m healed and can belly sleep.
I’m not sure where I’ll be sleeping just yet because it’s hard to tell what’s going to be comfy. And Kayla thinks if I sleep on the pregnancy pillow in bed I’ll flip to my stomach anyways. I’ll do whatever I gotta do to get these off. I just can’t look at them anymore. The way I cope with them is by keeping my chin up. Not looking down and using it to try and focus on my confidence without it. Just pretend they’re not there. But it’s harder and harder to ignore with each passing day.
I’m also concerned about wearing a binder again because that’s very triggering for me. I’ve used TT for the last 5 years and I don’t want to put on what feels to me like an extended/big sports bra. No hate to binders, they were my go-to for many years before TransTape but for me, it’s really hard to wear them. It’ll only be for a little though. Worth it for the rest of my life. And Kayla reminded me it’s not for binding anymore too, it’s for swelling in this case. Also, binders are medical devices for people. So that made me feel better.
Prepping has looked like lists on Trello (my digital planner) and my Amazon-ordered products are coming in. Most of the items are here and I’ve unboxed them and planning to do some video reviews on them for others planning top surgery. Now I’m just preparing my workload, the house, and the yard for a few weeks off.
Can’t wait to be healed by the end of summer to enjoy it. But I’m also trying to stay in the moment, process, and remember how blessed am to be able to transition especially medically.
Let’s do this thing. Thanks for coming along with me on this journey.
Love, Aaron
